The light at the end of the tunnel is not a freight train coming my way.

So the big meeting with the head of my department was today. It wasn’t so bad. We decided that I am going to go into the no-thesis program, so that I can graduate at the end of fall 2012 semester. Then I can get a job, and take my two thesis classes while I am working, and then within a year I will have Graduated (again) with the thesis program (just in case I wanna go back and get a PHD one day). When I re-enroll for the thesis program I will be getting the professor that I wanted for my thesis supervisor, so I am relieved about that.

I know that three semesters isn’t that short of an amount of time, but it seems like I have been in school forever, so that is really a relief for me. Now I just have to start studying for comps. *le sigh* I suppose that will give me something to do while I am wasting away in the house this summer.

  

I found out that it is going to be just shy of 700 dollars to put my kid into day care this semester while I am in school and working. I almost dropped the phone when she said it. The place I am enrolling him has really good teachers, and has a curriculum and everything (and for 1 year olds, most places don’t), but wow that is a lot of money. I am still rethinking the daycare thing. I know a friend of ours would keep him during the day for about half the cost, but maybe getting him out with other kids is the way to go. I am going to think about it some more, and talk to my husband of course. We have a bit to decide.

I am still doing well with my eating. I didn’t do so well with the structured exercise thing over the long weekend. The hubs and I were out doing things though, so it isn’t because I was just sitting around. I think it was a productive weekend. We went to four barbeques (we only ate at one though) and saw some old friends that we haven’t seen in a while.

I don’t have any drama to share today, or anything much really… so until next time…

you have taken the best of me - and turned it in to the rest of you

I forgot something of vital importance yesterday; people can only affect you as much as you let them. I let that mans words ruin my whole day. He didn’t deserve that much of my time. He made an assumption about my lifestyle and personality based on 2 minutes of being in a room with me. He stereotyped me in the worst way, and I let that throw me off track. 

I woke up this morning feeling a little sorry for myself, and a little crappy. It took a few minutes of time with my little man for it to happen but now I have my stuff together again. This is about getting healthier to be able to be there for my son longer. I wanna teach my kid how to play the sports that I used to play, not just watch some guy I don’t know doing it at practice. This is not about the opinions of people that I don’t know, or most of those I do if I am being honest. The two people that have opinions that matter just so happen to love me the way I am. Talk about your high octane work out fuel. I hit, and surpassed the 10 minute mark on the evil elliptical. I actually made it 13 minutes today. That is a 5 minute improvement on my last effort.  I am a hot, sweaty mess right now… but I am happier than I have been in days; just imagine how awesome I will feel after I take a shower. 

I also scored all of the zumba dvd’s; no more having to borrow from other people. I am a super happy lady right now. 

On to other news…

I am still pluggin along on Bossypants. It is taking me (much) longer than normal, mostly because I have to put it down every five minutes because my sides hurt from laughing so hard. 

I have to meet with some of the faculty in charge of my program next week to see who is going to be on my thesis committee and who is going to be my thesis advisor. I am pretty sure on who my advisor is going to be (there is only one professor that has a concentration anywhere near mine..) but the committee has me worried. A couple of the professors in my department are rather dry. They are also the ones that happen to grade the hardest, and I haven’t seen their names on any of the committees to come before mine. It is like they are saving themselves to rip my thesis apart. (No, I am not at all melodramatic.) I already have my thesis set up, and am ready to get going; the meeting is kind of one formality wrapped in another, not sure why I am nervous about it. 

I got my husband to agree to try some different protein options for dinner this month (I do most of my grocery shopping at one time); and by get him to agree, I mean I said ‘so baby, I was thinking I would try to cook some salmon, maybe some tuna steaks and stuff like that’ and he said ‘yeah ok, that sounds good. Whatever you want.’ He is way too easy. (I must admit, I probably have the greatest man in the world [for me that is])

Hope everyone out there in the blog day is having a good day. Until next time

You are such an inspiration for the ways that I will never ever choose to be (caution:rant)

Today had all of the makings of a most excellent day.

I saw 6:30am, something I haven’t done in months. I was dressed, primped, and out of my house on the way for coffee by 7:45. I got to my doctor’s appointment ahead of time for once, so I was called back on time. *this is where my day began to go to shit*

My “doctor” isn’t actually a doctor at all, she is a Nurse Practitioner. This is important to me, because I am fairly sure that somewhere in MD school there is an entire semester (or more) devoted to the art of pompous douchebaggery. (Maybe its classes PDMD 601-604, but you only have to take 603 and 604 if you take on a specialty, anything over 604 is optional for those who specialize in the areas of the heart and brain.)

Now I don’t just say this as a person who visits doctors on the regular, but as one who has worked for them for just north of 10 years. You can work *with* PA’s and NP’s, but you must NEVER forget that you are working **FOR** an MD.

So back to my day going to hell… My doctor is apparently on vacation this week, so I had to see one of her colleagues. This colleague will hereafter be known as Dr Douchebag, or Dr D for short.

Dr D was in the room with me for a whopping 4 minutes, so I could tell that his time was very valuable, and apparently he could tell that I was there in an effort to waste his valuable time. Never mind the fact that my doctors office is in a different TOWN than I live, and I drive nearly 45 minutes to go there, but hey my life is that boring right, I get up at the butt-crack of dawn and drive to another town simply in an attempt to waste someone’s time, sounds fabulous.

I must be simply transparent. Despite my being there for a simple 3 month follow up to get meds renewed, Dr D (in four minutes mind you) found the cure to EVERY ONE of my medical conditions. What is this miracle cure, you ask? It is quite simple, and I remember his wording quite well, so I think that I will just quote him.

“You know, if you could simply stop getting seconds all the time, you could be skinny. You surely would not need an anti-depressant or medicine for your thyroid condition then. Oh yes, and someone of your size should NEVER have snacks. You see, when you get done eating, you should still be hungry. Yes, this will help you much. Here are your prescriptions. You shall return in one month.” 

And then he just walks out of the room. I sit there for a moment, stunned, a bit confused, and increasingly angry.

Here are my thoughts on Dr D’s life changing diagnosis… Are you fucking kidding me? If the object of eating is to be hungry when I am finished, how about I skip firsts, instead of the *nonexistent* seconds I am “always eating”. I mean, surely not eating at all is an easier thing to accomplish than what he has stated. Here is an idea; I know I am overweight Dr Douchebag. I am working on it, though difficult to see in four minutes I am sure.  What you have effectively done is make me desire nothing more than a tissue box and a pint, no scratch that, a gallon of Häagen-Dazs. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

So that is where we are, it is exactly 11am, and I am in a homicidal mood already. It is going to get better though. How do I know; Bossy Pants by Tina Fey. I bought it last night and 20 pages in I had to stop reading because I was laughing so hard that I started crying. I could use the tears of laughter today. I am off to read. Hope your day has started, and will continue to be, better than mine.

Day Five - Say what you mean, tell me I'm right, and let the sun reign down on me, give me a sign. I want to believe.

Been feeling out of sorts for the past few days, so I have been taking it easy. I didn’t work out at all on Sunday, but I did manage to eat healthily all day. I plan on attempting to kick my elliptical but later.

We had some friends over yesterday, and for fun each of them decided to jump on it and see how they liked it. One of them made it 10 minutes and the other didn’t finish the first minute. So I guess for us non-health buffs, my results are not that strange.

My husband is going to bring one of the televisions into the office (where the elliptical is located) so that I can have more distractions from what I am doing while I am working out. The first day I got on it I could see the tops of the bookcases, so I kept fixating on how dusty they were until I jumped off of the machine to go grab something to dust them off. I can invent reasons to not do anything; I am the procrastinator to end all procrastinators.

So my son is 12 months old now, and he is really starting to have a rough time of it. He has always been the most laid back kid, didn’t ever like pacifiers and didn’t care one way or another when we switched from bottles to sippy’s.

Now all of a sudden he is super clingy and has a meltdown every time it is nap time or time for bed. He woke up several times last night screaming for me and my husband. I have read that this behavior is a hallmark of the age, but I haven’t seen any ways to help him out.  (That is, other than crawling in his crib with him and sleeping there, and let’s face it, that just wouldn’t work out.)

He is, at this moment, on hour three of his first nap of the day. Normally his naps last about an hour and fifteen minutes, but I know he has to be exhausted from last night, so I am trying to let him catch up. I wish I knew of something that I could do to help him out, make him less scared.

I am a little scattered today, so I am going to cut my blogging efforts a little short. Perhaps I will be able to form whole sentences tomorrow.

Day Three - And I can't seem to find my way home.

Another day in this carnival of souls
Another night's sands end as quickly as it goes
The memories are shadows, ink on the page
And I can't seem to find my way home

And it's almost like your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything to keep me out

All the places I've been and things I've seen
A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams
The faces of people I'll never see again
And I can't seem to find my way home

'Cause it's almost like your heaven's trying everything to break me down
'Cause it's almost like your heaven's trying everything to keep me out

'Cause it's almost like your heaven's trying everything to break me down
'Cause it's almost like your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything to break me down
To break me down, to break me down

Your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything to break me down

So here I am, at day three. The workouts are going better. I managed a full eight minutes on the elliptical before I fell off of it today. (Still not stellar I know, but a big improvement over the five from the day before yesterday.) Baby steps. 

I find myself stuck inside of my own head today, thinking of the past, the present, and how one evolved to the other. My (former) brother got married last week, I found out this morning by a facebook posting by someone else. I was crushed. In reality, my mother has been married more times than the norm, but slightly less than Elizabeth Taylor, so I guess I shouldn’t expect much from the families of her ex’s, but this one was different. This was my family for eight years. I grew up with these people, when I think of (happy) family memories, it always involves them. In some ways I’ve always considered them more family than my, well, real family. I honestly considered staying with them when she left. 

I tried not to take it personally when they didn’t come to my wedding, and by that I mean, I only cried a little. My mother has since remarried, but I don’t recognize her union with said man, he will never be related to me and my child will never call him grandpa (ok I know I kind of sound pompous here, but you would really have to understand the family dynamic, and that is a story for another day.)

If you don’t know the song above, you should. It is Far From Home by Five Finger Death Punch, I had considered adding Sin with a Grin by Shinedown, but that is a song I reserve for another emotion. I enjoy music greatly, not one particular type, but all. I was a band/chorus/ theory dork in high school, well along with just being an overall dork. 

The chicken was great by the way. I added spices and grilled it like a regular beef patty. They were juicy and the texture was great. The husband even liked them. I shall call them a success.

Day Two - Just when I needed it.

I should admit at this point that I probably have accumulated the most outstanding group of individuals in the world that anyone could call friends. I was feeling a little down yesterday after what I am going to forevermore call the great elliptical debacle, and I received the best timed email correspondence ever. 

*Insert short back story here* my pre-baby employment was as a referral coordinator at a local medical office. For anyone interested that isn’t up on their medical speak, I made patient referrals to other offices and set up diagnostic testing, oh yeah, and I made sure that their insurance would pay for it. I made an ungodly amount of contacts through this job. One of my “contacts” that evolved into a dear friend will for the sake of keeping personal lives personal be referred to as “D”. Well since I had a baby and fell out of the local medi-circle, D quit her job at the medical facility through which I met her. She is now a personal trainer, and from the praises I have heard sang of her, a really good one.

So anywho, I got an email from D yesterday, which was  a reply to an earlier message in which I was asking her about how to best build up to a normal fitness routine. She was full of support and advice, she didn’t judge or preach, which to me is a big thing. Something some people don’t realize is that overweight people know that we need to lost weight. Doctors let us know every chance they get (oh you have another cold? Well if you lost weight you might reduce the chances and symptoms of that – yeah totally not joking there) as does the rest of the populace. Our entire society impresses upon us daily that we are wrong for being overweight. It is in magazine ads, on television, and even in children’s programming (which I consequently watch a lot of). Getting preached at by someone about the benefits of weight loss, while well intentioned, can be very discouraging.

Let’s just put it this way… if it were that easy, to say ‘hey, I wanna be 50 pounds lighter’, and poof it worked, there wouldn’t be fat people.  It is hard work, and in a time where most of the world has a day job, children to raise, school to attend, and social engagements, hard work is neither appealing nor convenient to add into the mix. For most of us, it is just easier to be fat… and consequently miserable.

Back to my original point, I got the encouragement I so desperately needed from D, and then when my husband got home from work he built me up even more. Upon visiting with some of our other friends, I was loaned a zumba for beginners dvd. I was super excited to get my zumba on, as I have heard great things about it from so many.

That dvd kicked my butt all the way across my living room. It was only about 20 or so minutes (a guestimation on my part) but oh my goodness. I was a large sweaty spaghetti noodle when it was over. But, I finished it. It is a small victory on my part, but it made me happier than anyone else is likely to realize. I feel like I accomplished something today, it makes me eager to get to Sunday. (I’m going to try alternating, elliptical training one day, zumba the next so that my legs are still semi-useful when I am in need of ambulation.) I’m not as eager to tackle the elliptical tomorrow, but I will do it all the same.

I also have been looking up recipes for healthier meals. (Oh yes, another reason I am overweight, I LOVE food. I love cooking, I love smelling it, I love eating it. For me Food = Happy.) I want to find ways to enjoy healthier options. I know that a turkey burger is never going to hold the joy for me that a giant slice of red velvet cake will, but maybe if I can make a healthy meal utilizing things like turkey burgers, I can have a (very less than giant) slice of cake, and not have to feel like I am a complete failure. I have found a few recipes I am eager to try. Tonight will be ground chicken burgers, with bbq spices added in for flavor. I am going to skip the bread on mine, or at least half of it. I have to kind of make baby steps or I run the risk of sabotaging myself unintentionally.  I will try to report on the success of the chicken burger experiment tomorrow. Until then.